Tony Montana (a.k.a. Dana Carvey) Offers His Cocaine Expertise – Lights Out with David Spade


El Chapo’s wife is in talks to join a VH1 show
called Cartel Crew. Brunch just got
a lot more dangerous. That should be their real thing. -Yeah.
-Yeah. I should send it to ’em. -Uh, what do we think of this?
-KIRKMAN: Okay. First of all,
I’ve never done cocaine. My whole life,
my parents are like, “Do not do cocaine.
It’ll ruin your life.” And I don’t think this is true. It seems like everyone involved with cocaine is killing it.
Like… -Yeah.
-It’s true. I’ve done a lot of cocaine. It’s why I’m so thin. I just… I love…
I love that… -You know, these shows
are tawdry, David. -Yes. And it’s just a matter of time
until it’s like, “Next week on Cartel Crew,
we examine the charred remains of the guy that hit on
El Chapo’s wife last night.” -Exactly. -After he got
a Columbian necktie. I… I feel like
she should just be like, “My vagina– he call it
‘a tunnel,’ and he used to…” SPADE (laughing):
He calls it a tunnel. “He used to hide in there
when they came. “And he used to, uh,
just hide in there. “And then, one time,
I once sneezed, and his hand came out,
and it was…” -SPADE: Jesus.
-I know. I’m sorry. -I think… -Also,
how is that not his daughter? -KIRSON: I know. -Just saying.
-SPADE: Disgusting. Uh, I feel like the producers
go, “Maybe this week… “We haven’t had a gunfight
in a while. “Let’s spice it up. “Brunch, get a couple
of mimosas going, bang, bang. All right, girls,
you know what to do.” Oh, by the way,
we have our cocaine expert here. -FITZSIMMONS: No. -KIRKMAN: No.
-We have a correspondent. Here he is– Tony Montana. Right on. (applause and cheering) SPADE:
All right! (thick Cuban accent):
What are you gonna do. So, I said hello
to a little lady from backstage. (laughter) Said hello
with my little friend. David Spade. -Oh, I’m the little friend?
-Say hello to my little friend! -Look at him. Look…
-Hey, Tony, what do you think
of this cartel cruise show? -You know about…
-All right. I like a lot of sexy lady,
I like a… I like a… -I like a lot of cocay.
-(laughter) You like…
you like a lot of what? -I like a lot of cocay.
-(laughter) How many times
I gotta say cocay? You gonna play games?
Okay, man, I’m David Spade. I come with a quip
to try to throw me off, but I don’t go off, okay? Hey, so, what are you in, uh,
what are you in town for? -The holidays.
-(laughter) I like a… I like a lights,
I like a tree. -(laughter)
-I like a present. I love– that’s right,
I get a tear down my eye, man, when I think about… Christmas songs,
Christmas people and Thankgivie. -(laughter)
-Okay, I got that one. -Thankgivie.
-What are you planning for… what are you planning
for Thankgiggy? All right. -I like that a lot.
-(laughter) (applause) I like… You like a play?
Chu like a play? -Yeah.
-I can play. I like a Thankgimme. But I hope it goes better
this year than last year, man. Last year, I got to Thankgivin. I sit down at a table. This is terrible.
I sit down at a table, I say, -“Pass the sweet potato.”
-(laughter) I look around the table,
there’s no sweet potatoes, man. I say, “Why are you (bleep)
with me? Okay? “All I want is
a goddamn candied yam, and you don’t give me
no (bleep) sweet potatoes.” (laughter) (cheering, applause) Well… you get mad… you got mad
’cause they don’t have, -like, regular potatoes?
-That’s right. I… I don’t like au gratin potatoes. -(laughter)
-I don’t like mashed. I don’t like a baked potato.
I don’t like a tater tot. (laughter) I don’t like a Jell-O
with the walnut inside. You eat the Jell-O,
the walnut goes down, gets stuck
right in your hah-olagus. (laughter) What? That thing gets stuck
in your what? What? It gets stuck– okay. I’m gonna say…
I’m gonna say it one more time kind of slow for you, all right? (laughter) The wal… the Jell-O go down. The Jell-O go down. The walnut gets stuck
in my hahhh… hahhh… sophagus. (laughter) -All right.
-(applause, cheering) While I got you here.
What do you think of J.Lo -performing at the Super Bowl?
-Oh, I love J.Lo, man, because she’s… she’s good,
she’s a good lady. Seems like she’s kind of Cuban,
you know? A lot of J.Lo. And of course, you know,
she’s got a… (like Pacino in Heat):
great ass! (laughter) (applause, whooping) SPADE:
Yeah. That’s true. I think,
you know, I think she’s doing… performing
with someone else, too. (thick Cuban accent):
Oh, yeah, Shakira, Shakira. Shakira, man, very talented,
seem like a nice lady. And of course,
everybody knows… (like Pacino in Heat):
she’s a great ass! (laughter, applause) Hey, Tony Montana, everybody. Thank you for coming, Tony. (cheering, applause) Yeah! Oh, shit! All right! He looks like Dana Carvey.

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