All right. Let’s hope this goes better
than the Joker’s late-night set. [ Laughter ]
It’s topical. Let’s go. I grew up
in a meth town in Iowa. And, uh —
It’s not the joke yet. Just my life.
[ Light laughter ] Pretty sure it was a meth town,
’cause until about third grade, I thought garages just kind of
blew up sometimes. [ Laughter ] Like once a month — boom!
and I’m like, “Sun gets hot. Yeah, yep, yep.
Time for school.” [ Laughter ]
Yep. I grew up in
a Big Lots part of this country. I don’t know if you —
[ Scattered cheers ] You get it.
They get it. Yeah. Okay, yeah. If you don’t know what a
Big Lots is, congrats, I guess. [ Laughter ] Just picture what
Kmart would look like in the middle of a divorce! [ Laughter ] It’s just an unshowered
Kmart you woke up, and it’s like,
“What’s happening?” And I’m like, “Are you open?” And it’s like,
“Your dad took the shelves!” [ Laughter ] “He took ’em! And he moved to Miami
with the Hobby Lobby!” [ Laughter ] “We’re a piles and bins
family now. Dig around.” I don’t know if you knew
that’s Big Lots’ slogan — “Dig around.”
[ Laughter ] Maybe! You want a DVD,
check the spoon aisle. I don’t know!
[ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Sure, I guess.
I’ll take it. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn’t done with the
joke, but thank you so much. [ Laughter ] Big Lots — it’s also weird to
go back into a joke after it, but thank you so much.
[ Laughter ] Big Lots is like
“This was a yard sale. Someone built
a prison around it.” Should’ve stopped it earlier. [ Laughter ]
Okay, figured it out. [ Applause ]
We’re open mic’ing. [ Laughs ] I thought I grew up very rich, ’cause I lived in a poor
part of this country. All it took was
my parents didn’t do meth. That’s it. And I was like,
“We got Ford Taurus money? The 1% is nuts!” [ Laughter ] You find out how poor
you grew up with how late in life you learn Red Lobster’s
not a fancy restaurant. [ Laughter and applause ] Some — You didn’t laugh.
You’re still poor. That’s fine.
That’s cool. [ Laughter ] You have a goal now!
That’s awesome! [ Laughter ] I’m not talking trash.
I love R.L. It’s so good.
It’s so good. But it is
the Applebee’s of the sea. That’s all it is.
[ Laughter ] But we treat ’em so different. I didn’t know Red Lobster
wasn’t fancy until I was 33. [ Laughter ] And I’m 33. [ Laughter ] It was months ago.
I was here. I was in New York City.
I was in Times Square. I was with my friends, and
there was a giant Red Lobster. It was like,
“Let’s go to Red Lobster!” And I was just like,
“We wish.” [ Laughter ] “Someday, right?” [ Laughter ] And they were like,
“No, for real. Let’s go.” And I was like, “No!
For real! I got shorts on!” [ Laughter ] “We’re not getting in. That’s a khakis-only
establishment.” [ Laughter ] “Is there a Kohl’s around here?” [ Laughter ] “We can figure it out. Get some Dockers,
gussy up a bit.” [ Laughter ] If you asked me
when I was 10 years old how much I thought
crab legs cost, based on my father’s behavior… [ Laughter ] …I would be like, “$80,000?” [ Laughter ] Infinity, maybe? He’s never even
allowed the thought. Have you ever gone out
to eat with your parents, they’re like, “Don’t even think
about the back half of the menu. We’re an appetizer family. You want a soda?
Bring it!” [ Light laughter ] “That’s where
they make the money.” [ Laughter ] [ Scattered applause ] Don’t applaud that behavior. [ Laughter ] My dad was so cheap,
as a child, I was embarrassed, but now looking back
as an adult, I’m like, “That took courage.” [ Laughter ] He stood in the face of a lot
of adversity and was like, “I will not pay full price
for this buffet.” [ Laughter ] He went to great lengths. He never once
paid for a movie-theater treat. Not once in his life. That’s hard. It would be June in Iowa. That’s like 108 degrees. That’s very hot. And he would still put
on a giant winter coat… [ Laughter ] …and pack it to the gills and then clink around
the movie theater. [ Laughter ] Just up to the ticket woman
and be like, “Five, please.” [ Laughter ] Put the tickets there. And he’d just
clink down to the aisle. And he’d sit down,
then he’d act like he just pulled off
a big bank heist. He’s like, “Yeah!” [ Laughter and applause ] “Yes!” And then he’d pull cans of soda
out of his sleeve. He’d be like, “Pass them down. Pass them down.
Pass them — Pass them down. Pass them down.
Okay. I’m gonna cough…” [ Laughter and applause ] “I’m gonna cough. And that’s when we open them.” [ Laughter ] [ Coughing ]
All right!” [ Cheers and applause ] “Hot root beer, right?!
We all love hot root beer.” Uh, that’s it. [ Laughter ] Thank you guys very much.